My Husband Tried To Kill Me

We left the Dominican Republic on Thursday evening, arriving at the Cacios and Grand Turk Islands; specifically Grand Turk Island in the morning. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! This place has the most beautiful water I have ever seen --- and I'm a native Floridian whose seen her share of the ocean.

Now, except for the over zealousness of my husband when he tried to kill me, this excursion would have been great. The photo (right) looks idyllic, doesn't it? Well, that's because it is a stock photo off a website. And what man let's a woman drive?

On with the story. . . after a short van ride to the "outfitters?," each couple was given a 12 ft. inflatable aquaboat to ride out to the snorkeling area. We started out just fine -- the water was absolutely gorgeous, we were together on our own little boat. Then "UGH" the testosterone kicked in and my husband became the Wild Man of the Sea. The water was a little choppy that day and he SAID he was trying to get on a "plane with the waves" so we'd have a smoother ride -- which for some reason required going really fast.

I do not like fast -- especially in unfamiliar territory. I'm screaming in his ear "SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN!!! WE'RE GOING TO FLIP OVER," and on and on and on. But he suddenly became deaf (could have been the roar of the engine being pushed to the max) and "doesn't hear me." He'd actually worn a ball cap on the boat ("No way it'll come off"). No sooner had he said that --- the hat flew off his head never to be seen again. A couple seconds later I went flying off the boat and he wished he'd never seen ME again.

I go CRASHING into open water, far from shore, who knows where Jaws was hanging out and if he was hungry. I frantically tried to climb back on this rubber boat without the ladder, failing miserably, crying, screaming, calling my husband every name I could think of and some I think I made up. Now I'm finished; this little trip is over. I was honestly so mad and so scared that I wanted a divorce RIGHT THEN!

Now, with me sobbing like a baby behind him on the boat, we go on to the snorkeling spot. But there's NO WAY I'm getting in the water? Why should I get in? I've already had it slammed up my nose, down my throat, out my eyes -- what could be better than that for $200? He goes snorkeling and when he couldn't see me I asked one of the guides to take me back to the beach. If he had refused I would have swam to shore --- PROMISE.

I get in the boat with the guide, we get about 30 feet from the others and the motor conks out. You've got to picture this now --- I'm sitting behind the guide, he turns around to pull on the starter rope over and over and over again, but it looks more like he is "_____"ing me. He's pulling and pulling while most of his body is between my legs. Got the picture? So I slide off the seat and cram myself between it and the side of the boat. I had only so much dignity left and I needed to preserve it.

He finally gets the motor going and takes me make back to shore --- my husband followed us even though I told him to GO AWAY! After we turned in the boat I took off down the beach and told him he could spend the next four hours trying to find me. He actually found me about an hour later and secretly watched my every move from a few lounge chairs away.

After "cooling off" for a few hours I let him take me to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville . WOW -- what a pool, but I'm too mad to enjoy it. A drink will help, but, guess what? It's frickin' election day and there's no alcohol served until 7 p.m.! So I couldn't even have a frickin' margarita at Jimmy Buffet's Margueritaville on Grand Turk! HuH?

To finish up this long, not so good story, I stayed mad and miserable for HOURS while my husband went on to have a great time. Is there a moral to this story? Yes. Always find out when election day is before going on a trip OR marry someone who won't try to kill you with a rubber boat.